"Listening—the essential skill."
"A soft answer turneth away wrath."
An angry neighbor woman stormed into my office, raving and ranting about something that someone in the church had done. She was pointing her finger at me and threatening to sue me. I listened intently. And I listened some more. I didn't try to solve her problem; it wasn't one that I COULD solve. But twenty minutes later she had tears in her eyes, "Thank you, Pastor." She said. "Thank you for listening." She never filed the lawsuit.
I am writing and posting various chapters for my one-of-these-days book, "Passages for Pastors: Common sense advice from the scripture for those in ministry." My next chapter will be "Listening—the essential skill." James said, "Be swift to listen, slow to speak." If I had learned to follow this advice more often, I would have avoided many misunderstandings, and I would have been a better minister too.
I have observed that the most overlooked skills needed in ministry are not about the usual tasks associated with ministry (sermon construction, prayer, music, etc.) But the most overlooked tasks involve People Skills. Most ministers, if they find themselves in trouble with the congregation, can trace it back to a failure to handle people properly. Certainly that has been my personal experience. And of all the People Skills needed, Listening is one of the most important. Listening isn't a matter of simply being quiet while someone else talks. It requires us to acknowledge and affirm what they are saying… before moving on to what WE want to say. It's a simple Bible instruction, "be swift to listen, slow to speak." Listen first. Talk second.
I haven't always been a good listener, however there have been a few times where good listening skills saved me lots of grief. In those instances I encountered a very tense person, someone with a grievance, and by thoroughly listening, and without becoming defensive, I was able to defuse the situation. It was only after the person felt like I heard and understood them that they were open to seeing another side or to finding a solution.
Every human being is born with an innate desire to be listened to—listening deeply to another person is one of the highest forms of respect that one person can pay to another. Listening to another is one way of saying, "you are important, I care about you." And, conversely, ignoring another is one of the most disrespectful things that one person can do to another. When we are slow to listen and swift to speak we are communicating, "MY life is more important than yours, you are not important to me." Listening is a skill that can help us to be better spouses, parents, and friends, as well as better ministers.
I have also learned that listening is a way that we can help people find healing and forgiveness. This makes sense, after all, John wrote, "If you confess your sins He is faithful and just to forgive." God offers to impart forgiveness to us in the course of listening to us.
When I read the New Testament stories about Jesus I am impressed with Jesus' listening skills. With the exception of Herod, I don't think there is an example in the scripture of a person who went away from a conversation with Jesus thinking, "He didn't listen to me, he doesn't care about me." On the contrary, every person who walked away from Jesus felt like he had heard them. Perhaps we should try to be more like Jesus in this respect.
Listen:
Synonyms: accept, admit, adopt, attend, audit, auscult, auscultate, be attentive, catch, concentrate, eavesdrop, entertain, get, give attention, give ear, hark, harken, hear out, hear tell, hearken, mind, monitor, obey, observe, overhear, pay attention, pick up, receive, take advice, take notice, tune in, welcome
Antonyms: avoid, blink, brush off, cold-shoulder, cut, cut dead, dial out, discount, disdain, evade, fail, forget, high hat, ice, neglect, omit, overlook, overpass, pass over, play past, pooh-pooh, reject, scorn, slight, tune out, wink at
The following is a response from Curt Harlow (Chi Alpha Director) to my article on anger.
Dr. Jay,
I really enjoyed your article on listening and had to drop you a quick note.
I had a angry neighbor in Stockton who was furious with the owner of the house we were renting. A tree that was on both properties kept knocking down her power wires and she could not get our owner to help pay for a tree pruning.
One morning after a storm had taken out her power she stormed over to our house in her rob and began to chew me out in marine like fashion. She wanted a fight so bad, I thought she was going to hit me a couple times. I sat and listened for twenty minutes without saying a word. When she finally took a breath I simply said, "That has been really hard for you...would you please forgive for not being able to solve this problem?"
At my request for forgiveness, she immediately broke into tears and spent the next twenty apologizing, "This isn't your fault. I don't even know why I complaining to you." We were the best of friends after that.
That morning in Proverbs I had read "a soft answer quenches wrath." This timely and incredibly effective scripture has colored how I think about conflict ever since.
Articles & Resources for Church Workers
-
Anthrax & Antidote—Becoming Biblically Wise in Times of Spiritual Terrorism
How can the pastor maintain spiritual health in the face of the insidious schemes of an invisible enemy? How can he protect his people from the insidious attacks of a ruthless enemy? -
The Necessity of Leadership in the Smaller Congregation
What is leadership? The question is more than just idle speculation about the philosophy of overseeing people and running an organization. It addresses the fundamental responsibility and task assigned to those who accept the call to pastor a small church. -
“I TRIED, BUT NO ONE EVER CALLED ME”
“I tried, but no one ever called me” are painful words for a leader who has much work to do and not enough people willing to do it. These words are painful for the person who wanted to contribute, but was never called. These are also painful words for a person who is committed to helping people connect and contribute in meaningful ways within the church.
